Gary Chapman is well known for his work on love languages and apology languages. He is also a practising Christian psychotherapist, and while reading his work, it is admirable how closely he remains connected to his Christian values.
One chapter on intimacy was particularly interesting. We live in an age where sex is often about self-pleasure and personal gratification, largely detached from any spiritual dimension. Chapman’s reflections stand out against this backdrop.
In this chapter, he shares seven things he wishes he had known before marriage. I would like to share those seven points here, as they may resonate to us as Muslims.
- Men often focus on intercourse, while women focus on the relationship
Men often experience sex as centred on intercourse, while many women experience sex as closely tied to the quality of the relationship. Chapman’s point is that if a relationship has been damaged by harsh words, anger, or irresponsible behaviour, it can become very difficult for a wife to feel interested in sex. For her, sex is not just physical; it usually grows out of feeling emotionally safe, loved, and connected.
Chapman shares an anecdote from his clients. One wife said, “He speaks to me with intense anger. Thirty minutes later, he says he is sorry and asks me if we can make love. He says, ‘Let me show you how much I love you.’ He thinks that having sex will make everything right. Well, he’s wrong. I can’t have sex with a man who has verbally abused me.” In moments like this, a sincere apology needs to come first.
Chapman captures this idea with a memorable phrase: for many women, sex begins in the kitchen, not in the bedroom. When a husband speaks his wife’s love language throughout the day, she is far more likely to feel open to intimacy later.
Again, Chapman shares an anecdote from his clients: “If I had known that taking out the garbage was sexy for my wife, I would have been taking out the garbage twice a day. No one ever told me that.” This highlights how important acts of service were for his wife.
So if a wife’s love language is acts of service, practical help can genuinely matter like sharing chores, being thoughtful, and taking things off her plate. And if her love language is words of affirmation, then appreciation and sincere compliments can make a real difference like noticing her, thanking her, speaking gently, and making her feel valued.
The bigger principle, Chapman says, is that love languages shape emotional readiness. Many husbands can still enjoy sex even when they feel emotionally distant or drained. For many wives, that is much harder, because emotional closeness is often the foundation that makes physical closeness feel possible.
2. Foreplay matters more to wives than many husbands realise
Chapman’s second point focuses on foreplay. He explains that many women need time to warm up emotionally and physically, while many men reach readiness much more quickly. Women tend to “simmer,” whereas men often reach the boiling point fast.
For many wives, it is the gentle touch, affection, and tenderness of foreplay that awaken desire. When intimacy is rushed or focused only on the end result, she may be left feeling disappointed, wondering what was meant to feel special about the experience.
Chapman notes that without enough care and attentiveness, intimacy can even feel violating rather than loving. One wife describes wanting to feel cherished, but experiencing her husband as interested only in intercourse itself. His point is not about technique, but about presence which includes slowing down, being attentive, and responding to her emotional and physical cues.
Know your love language
- Mutual fulfilment does not require perfect timing
Chapman then challenges a common expectation many couples carry into marriage , the belief that intimacy must always end with both partners experiencing pleasure at the same moment. Films and popular culture often reinforce the idea that this is what “good sex” looks like.
In reality, Chapman explains, this is uncommon and unnecessary. What matters most is that both partners feel cared for and considered. Pleasure does not need to happen at the same time for intimacy to be fulfilling.
He also observes that many wives prefer to experience pleasure as part of foreplay rather than during intercourse itself. When this is understood and respected, intimacy becomes more relaxed and less pressured. Unrealistic expectations, Chapman argues, often create anxiety rather than closeness.
- When intimacy is forced, it stops being loving
One of Chapman’s strongest points is about consent and respect within marriage. He is clear that when one spouse pressures or forces the other into a sexual act they find uncomfortable, intimacy ceases to be an expression of love.
Love, he explains, always seeks the comfort and wellbeing of the other. It does not demand or coerce. When couples disagree about certain forms of sexual expression, the answer is communication and negotiation, not insistence.
If agreement cannot be reached, Chapman insists that love respects boundaries. Violating this principle damages trust and undermines the very closeness intimacy is meant to build.
- Sex is more than intercourse
Chapman repeatedly emphasises that sex is not merely a physical act. By its very nature, it is a bonding experience. It connects two people emotionally and spiritually, not just physically.
This, he suggests, is why most religious traditions reserve sex for marriage. It is meant to strengthen attachment and deepen commitment. When sex is reduced to stress relief or momentary pleasure, it often becomes shallow and self-focused.
When intimacy is approached as an act of love that expresses commitment, Chapman argues, it becomes far more fulfilling for both partners.
Intimacy is connection of body and heart.
- Communication unlocks sexual fulfilment
Another central insight Chapman offers is the importance of communication. Despite living in a culture saturated with sexual language and imagery, many couples struggle to talk kindly and openly about intimacy.
When couples do try to talk, it often comes across as criticism or rejection. Chapman points out that real understanding comes from listening, not lecturing. No one can know what feels good or uncomfortable for their partner without being told.
He strongly encourages empathetic listening, listening with the aim of understanding what the other person is feeling, needing, or struggling with. “Empathetic listening is listening with a view to discovering what the other person is thinking and feeling. What are their desires and frustrations? I have often encouraged young couples to ask this question once a month for the first six months of their marriage: “What could I do or not do that would make the sexual part of the marriage better for you?”
- The past does not simply stay in the past
Finally, Chapman addresses the impact of past sexual experiences. Modern culture often suggests that sexual experience before marriage prepares people for marriage. Chapman argues that research and experience suggest otherwise.
Previous experiences can create emotional and psychological barriers to intimacy. Curiosity about a spouse’s past, comparison, and lingering memories can all interfere with closeness. Deep down, many people long for exclusivity in marriage and feel pain when that exclusivity feels threatened.
Chapman believes it is far healthier to address these issues honestly before marriage rather than hoping they will disappear. When the past is left unspoken, it often resurfaces later in more painful ways. If couples cannot find healing and acceptance, he suggests it may be wiser to pause than to enter marriage carrying unresolved wounds.
What Chapman is highlighting is that intimacy is closely connected to emotional safety and a sense of being genuinely loved. Desire does not begin with the body alone, rather it begins in the heart and the mind. When a person feels respected, secure, and valued, closeness becomes natural rather than forced.
As Muslims, when mawada and rahma (the ayah we see on most marriage invitations) are present, intimacy also grows from experiencing Islam together, whether that is attending an Islamic event or going out for a meal. Through all of this, of course, we are rewarded with ḥasanāt.
Hassan Rabbani
January 2026
One Response
A great read